RETURNING TO REALITY

I have another bucket-list item checked off my list today.  For over 40 years I have always wanted to be at the ocean when a good storm would bring up the waves and pound the shore line.  With Hurricane Arthur moving up the east coast, it’s power is being felt in the thunderous surf.  As the day went on, the heaving of the waves, and thunderous sounds of the ocean roar filled the shore community .  

The sad part for the little ones this week is that the fire works they so looked forward to are postponed until the evening of our departure.  But as the evening rolled on individuals up and down the shore line set off fireworks—enough to satisfy anyone wanting to see the colors of the red, white and blue.  It still is a week of wonderful memories.

But tonight, as I stood on the waters edge it filled me with so many emotions.  I enjoy walking the edge of the ocean when the rest of the world has abandoned the beach, but my sense of aloneness filled me in ways I have yet to be able to describe. Everyone has left except for my one son and his family and they are walking the beach searching for sea treasures.  I am getting a glimpse of what remains when they all return to their lives…me.  I have never felt so connected as I was when I was a wife and young mother.  Today I am an observer of what use to be.  Surrounded by purpose and partnership was the most fulfilling part of my life.  Without it, I am lost and trying hard to find a way to accept this and enjoy the days left to me.   

As I look around me  at those who have lost a loved one, and are as old or older than I am, I wonder what they have done in their life to accept this change.  I want to know if the smile I see on their face is genuine or just a mask that hides the truth inside their soul.  

I never believed that accepting the changes in life would be linear or easy.  I miss having that special someone to talk over life's challenges and daily happenings.  I write I guess, because it is all I have to process what goes on inside my head.  Some days it is not enough, but I keep on keeping on!