ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD, AGAIN

As I lay in bed (at the hospital for a sleep study) last night, I read over my last few journal entries and see how “drippy” my thinking as been this past week.  This happens now and then.  Accepting unwelcome change never comes easy.  And losing my husband qualifies big time on that account.  

I’m lucky to know that in my life’s journey I realized early on to not hang on to destructive and painful feelings and attitudes.  They do me no good except to slow me down and cause more pain.  But to deny them is also wrong.  I found a way to process these times in order for me to move on with life.  I do keep a lot inside, (except in my writings) and I know these moments are as important as the “happy” times and together make up who I am.  To deny one affects the other.  I practice giving both their equal due.  

I have mentioned in previous writings that painful memories flow like a river inside of me (inside all of us) and now and then they overflow their banks and I have to take time and work through them.

There is a lady in my community, a widow like myself, that  I have always looked to for motivation, as she appears strong and very content in her life today and when I mentioned to her how thrown I was by the emotions that filled me when my children and their families all peeled away and returned to their life.  She said, “I cry every time we go on vacation together.”  “Just like you, as they leave me and head home ahead of me, I am sad and emotional to say good-bye”, she continued.  “It is that I am having fun with them, and I really hate to see it end.”

And there is the truth.  The week down at the shore with my gang was fun, and memorable.  No pressure to do anything but what we wanted to do, and I loved every day until they started, one by one, to head on home.

This was the first time our family had gotten together for a vacation and the saying good-bye threw me and I fell all the way back to those first moments of being alone after losing Pat.   This morning, in the early light of dawn I am doing much better. 

When I cannot seem to shake an attitude or mood, I find it helpful to read back over my writings.  I find that once expressed, the hight of the emotions levels off and when I read them back, although I recognize the feelings, I am not as intense with them.  That is the sign to myself that everything will be okay.  And so it will.  And now I am off to be with two of my grandchildren.  And I tell you…they are better than puppy dogs as they run up to me, throw their arms around me and shout, “Grammy, I missed you!”  

“I missed you too,” I reply as they cling to my legs giving me all they got at the moment.  All is right with the world once again.