ACCEPTING WHAT IS OR OPEN TO WHAT COULD BE...

That is the question!  It has been implied that I may not have time in my life for a relationship.  This has made me stand back and think about the life I am living today.

When I found myself alone after a 45-year marriage, I had to make a conscience decision on how to embrace this new way of living I found myself in.   For 45 years I was a partner.  My identity was wrapped around that and motherhood.  Neither of which is on the table today.  Oh I am still a mother of four adult children, but they have lives of their own, and their need for mothering is no more.  We did a good job in raising our kids, and they are all very independent.  

That leaves me standing in this world alone, though. I struggle with that at times.  I decided early on to embrace this part of life with as much enthusiasm as I could.  I needed to find a way that living alone would be okay.  Look around, and you see a whole lot more widows than widowers.  But that does not mean that a part of me would not enjoy having that special someone to share the daily comings and goings of living.  I have written before that life for me today, seems to stop at the door.  You go out, have a good time, but once you leave that moment it stops.  A ride home is in silence but for the radio or the thoughts in my head.  It is always a stark reminder of my position in this life when I leave a gathering….alone.

I fight this by being spontaneous in nature and saying yes to many last minute opportunities to go places or do something, and also to plan activities around things I like to do.  But I find if you do meet someone and your calendar in the beginning does not leave open the time they want of you immediately, they want to walk away and go find that person who is available instantly, completely, and on their timeline, ignoring the fact that you have a life too.  I get that you want to spend time together, but it has to be a compromise for both.  

My husband’s uncle in his widowerhood has shown us all how wonderful life can be after losing a spouse.  He found an old friend and they have become wonderful and loving companions.  Each maintaining their own homes, but sharing a part of every day together.  My Dad did the same thing.  He dated a women 9 years after Mama died, meeting for breakfast and dinner, traveling together, doing things together and all the while each returning to their own homes.  It was great right up until the end for my Dad, then I had him move in with me so I could care for him the last days of his life.  But for those 9 years, my Dad was as happy as he could be having that special someone to share his thoughts and time with.

I don’t know what I am looking for, but I do know what I am open for…a full life!  If that means finding that special friend, love, companionship, or accepting the fact that each day will provide an opportunity to find happiness even in the small things…well, I’ll just find a way to be okay by accepting what is.  

SAYING GOODBYE WILL NOT BE EASY

December 12, 2006
Garrison and Me

Garrison Keillor is retiring.  I am sad.  I knew it was coming.  When I saw him live at Avery Fisher Hall he announced to the audience that at age 72 (at the time) he was putting a date on his retirement.  The audience groaned in unison.  But the time is coming this summer and all I can think is what will I do on my Saturday nights!!! 

Sitting with a glass of wine on the deck, or driving home from babysitting the grandkids, you would find me in that land of Lake Wobegon, Minnesota listening to the live radio show, singing songs, sometimes shedding tears, but always….always having a good laugh.  

I have had the pleasure of seeing his radio show, Prairie Home Companion, on four different occasions during my lifetime.  Each one unique but enjoyable beyond description.  When my daughter worked for the New York Philharmonic, her position always got me a trip backstage into the green room so I could shake his hand and tell him what a joy he has been in my life.  This humble man was never full of himself and I always felt he was embarrassed by the praise, whether it came from me or the ones who came before me, he was always thankful for your kind words.  The first time I met him I said to him,  “I spend more time with you on a Saturday night than I do my own husband.”  He laughed.

My daughter arranged for a picture to be taken of the two of us at my first ever meeting with him.  My nervousness got the best of me as I went up to his side and put my arm around his waist.  Not realizing that I was  grabbing the fat roll around his waist, I suddenly got red in the face as he leaned into me and said, “You get real friendly!”  Stumbling over my words and laughing like a giddy school girl, it was a moment I will never forget.  He was a kind gentle giant who I feel honored to have met (and squeezed).  

During the last performance, I saw at Avery Fisher Hall, sitting in the VIP box, overlooking the audience and the stage, laughing so hard at his stories, I kept trying to keep in check my exuberance.  When intermission came, a staff member came up to me and said, “Mrs. Ford, the staff is worried that you are not having a good time at the show!”  I laughed and then worried I was being too loud.

“I’m sorry, was I laughing too loud?” I asked.

“Oh know,” he said.  “We enjoy hearing your glee!”

Another part of aging is learning to say goodbye to those things you have loved and enjoy.  This will not be an easy goodbye for me.  Oh, how I will miss those wonderful words,  "Well, that's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average."

THE ICE MAN MAY COMETH…

I’ve been away to the mountains of Pennsylvania, helping a friend recover from a bad spill and the following surgery.  With her son coming in today to take over her care for a bit, I am hoping after picking him up from the airport, to come home. 

Coming off the mountain though will have some challenges if the weather prediction holds up.  We are to have some brief snow showers.  Not a great accumulation but enough to create icy conditions on the roads.

Funny how time, experience and location can change one’s perspective.  I grew up in Northern Illinois where snow was just a hiccup in the days plans.  Nothing was ever cancelled unless you couldn’t see the hand in front of your face during the storm.  Slip the snow chains on over your winter tires and you were good to go.  I don’t ever remember school being closed for snow events.  But I do remember some fun rides with our school bus driver as he made some interesting turns on our lakeside roads!

When I got my driver license, my dad said to me, “Come on girl.  You and I are going driving.”

We got in the car and he directed me to drive out onto the frozen lake.  That was not so unusual around us as our lakes would freeze over and we often saw vehicles drive out onto the ice, pulling their ice houses for a winter of ice fishing.  

So off we went, onto the lake.  “Now step on the gas,” my dad said.  “No faster,” he continued.

So I did.  Suddenly he reaches over with his foot and slams on the breaks forcing our car into a tailspin.

“Turn into the spin!” he yelled.  “Turn into the spin!”

We must have done that five or six times before I could catch my breath and we stopped.  “Now,”  he said, “you will be able to drive anywhere anytime because you will instinctively turn into the spin, stopping the spin.”  

In all the years of my driving, I never used that technique but once…a patch of black ice in the wee hours of the morning as we headed down to North Carolina for a family visit.  Thank you for the experience, but I hope to never have to test my skills again.

So here I sit, looking out the window onto the gray skies hoping against hope, that the flurries won’t bring the icy conditions forcing me to cancel my trip home.

As a friend reminded me in a message sent this morning, “Don’t take any chances with the weather.  Home is not going anywhere.”

So I’ll plan with flexibility in mind…

THE BUMPY ROAD OF AGING

Aging can be a bumpy road.  As I watch and help my friend through her latest crisis…the first one she finds herself alone in after losing her husband, we share a lot about this time of life.  I have mentioned in the past that I think the first one to die in a relationship is the lucky one.  To be surrounded by your life partner, family or friends is a wonderful thing.

But when that partner is gone, there is a dynamic shift in one’s life.  Children are no guarantee that someone will be with you in the hour of your greatest need.  Especially in the society we live in.  

But as I hover here and watch my friend, I recognize another lesson in life.  Be flexible.  Keep up your humor.  And find gratitude in those that do step up and give you assistance.  

Living in the community in which I do, I see those that are cranky beyond description, and it makes it hard to help someone like that.  No matter what is done for them, it is not enough.  Or they complain that this or that is not satisfactory.  Eventually, anyone who steps up to help drifts away, frustrated because no matter what is given it is never enough.

Then there are others, like my neighbor and friend, whose gratitude sweeps you up and without burdening just one, each friend carries a small load, so it does not feel like a load at all to those who help.  Both have a great sense of humor and can laugh at themselves while doing their best to push ahead with their own situation filled with acceptance and gratitude.  

I once said to my daughter-in-law Kelly, “When I get old, if I become cranky, unreasonable, and hard to deal with, you can put me in a room and lock the door!”  Without missing a beat, she responded, “Would you please put that in writing!”  So I did.

“Dear future Marlene,

If you are reading this letter, it is because one of your children have approached you and said it is time to give up driving, or move in with someone, or go to a place where you can be watched…and you are probably saying no not yet…well, it is time to put your big girl panties on, put a smile on your face and be grateful that they care enough to look out for your wellbeing.  So do as your are told, please.

Love,

Past Marlene

PS:  Just in case you doubt this suggestion just remember the problems you encountered with your cranky friend.”

I mentioned this note to my son and his family while at dinner with them one night…when a phone call came in.  I took it and then immediately forgot about it.  A while later, Damian asked, “Who was it that called Mom?”  

“Called?  I don’t remember anyone calling”

“Mom,” he said with a shock, "you just got a call 20 minutes ago.”

I had to stop and think, and couldn’t remember the call.  Then suddenly it came to me…”Oh, that call!” I said laughing.

My granddaughter Honor turned to me and said, “Gram, do we have to get that letter out already?”

Yes, aging can be a bumpy ride, but we can still laugh our way down the road!

EXPERIENCING TWO KINDS OF FOG!

A few days ago, as I sat quietly and alone in my home, after getting one notice after another about this friend or that in a predicament…being asked to help here and then there, only to get “here” canceled, and end up there…it almost became confusing.  It felt like there was a tornado outside my door.  I was just glad it was not me needing help but instead able to give it.

So that takes me to this place… sitting on the mountain top in Paupack, looking down and out over the mountain and Lake Wallenpaupack in the distance, watching the fog envelop the lake that I can’t help but acknowledge that life can be both beautiful and a challenge at the same time.  

This is what aging is about.  Oh I know, as our bodies give up on us, we work to keep our sense of humor and laugh at what time and gravity has bestowed upon us, but we also have the time to sit and enjoy the moments that when we were young we were too busy and exhausted to enjoy.  We have to remind the young people in our life how important it is to stop and smell the roses, as they say.  Funny how many times I have heard those words and yet this morning in the middle of the dance of the fog, I get the importance of it all.  

To be reminded of this at a time when our bodies are being tested and our strengths begin to fade is important.  As I walk with my friend through her immediate challenge, I recognize in my own self the changes that come with aging.

The other day, while meeting someone for the first time, I found myself in conversation, wanting to make a point, but first describing the scene, only to forget the point I wanted to make in the first place.  Like a brain fart…all you can do is acknowledge the moment, laugh and move on.

They are beginning to show up now and then and all I can do is laugh at it.  Like the time I had a doctor appointment, but ended up at the wrong doctors office.  

After a day of taking Audrey to a doctor appointment (that lasted 4 hours…that is another story) followed by a hospital visit, we headed out to the car, got in and strapped her up in the front seat, put my purse in the back seat then saw the white gloves on the back seat  and thought, “these are not mine.”  In fact, the car was not mine.  I had just placed my friend in a car that did not belong to me.  Laughing to the point of almost peeing my pants, I backtracked my steps and laughing said, “God I hope there is not murder in the future of this car because our fingerprints will be all over it!” We laughed a number of times thinking of the scenarios of what could have happened if the owner had come out to their car while she was strapped in and ready to go!  

Then we remembered a mutual friend we knew who shared the story about a time when they left  a show they just attended and walking to their car, could not find the keys to their car.  Thinking that they left a spare set in the glove compartment, and wanting to move on and out as quick as possible, they decided to break the back window, get in, grab the keys and take off, ready and willing to repair the window later.  Grabbing a rock, they broke the back window, everyone got into the car, but when searching the glove compartment for the spare keys, realized this was not their car.  

Yes, this can happen to people of all ages.  Especially in the world we live in today where it is hard to tell one car from another, but when you enter the “aged” it feels more like a jolt than a funny mistake.  Memories that fade, frustrate.  Appointments missed can cost.  You may laugh out loud and try and blow it off, but it gives you food for thought and makes you rethink your organization skills.

So until the next time, I’ll sit here, watch the morning fog circle the lake down below and enjoy the show that nature is giving me this morning.