I follow a site called “Begin with Yes”…today the following posting showed up. “The transition to evening reminds us that life is about transitions too. When we understand that this is just part of the natural unfolding, we resist less and become less fearful. Everything will be OK”
How many times have I written about my own personal transition from wife to widow to single and the challenges it has presented, yet feeling lucky to understand and accept the idea that everything will be OK. That does not make the pain go away. I know I sometimes have to wear a mask of “everything is ok” just to get through the day, and so do many other widows I meet and talk with.
When I talk about my reactions to leaving a wonderful event with family or friends and sometimes find myself breaking into tears heading home alone in the car…they nod and understand…for them too, they tell me. There is always that moment that you leave the group, get into your car and as I have said before when you close that door that sound of the door slams you into a reality of your aloneness.
I gave a talk a while back and was in conversation with someone who said, “I pretend to be okay because everyone expects me to be.” She went on to say, “In pretending, I can often get through the day, but it is not real.”
How that struck me. We all wear masks of sorts. Most of us present to others that which we think they want to see and too often it leaves us wanting inside and nowhere to share the voice we really want to be heard.
Yet, I know it is up to me at this stage to find my own way, to create a new life. I often feel like I have each foot in a different world. One where I want to run and explore and start over…even sometimes thinking it would be wonderful to run away and begin life over. The other foot stays planted in a need to be around the family. But I am experiencing more that the family is so busy, and their need for me, is gone, and due to time, distance and busy lives getting together is harder. And it is not unique to me, it is a common theme. In the community in which I live, the last census taken by the Homeowners Association showed 52% of the people living here are single-home dwellers. The quiet that permeates this place sometimes kills the soul!
I remember when I first moved here the first thing I missed was the sound of kids playing on the street. Halloween doorbells ringing with “trick or treat” sounds. Noise. Now don’t get me wrong…quiet is good. But too much quiet is deafening to the spirit. I need people. I need life. I need to move and dance and play and sing. So I am preparing for a new transition. I have decided to sell my home and with my daughter-in-law and son’s invitation am moving into a mother-in-law suite they are building into their home. Privacy when I want it, yet family when I need it.
This will allow me to have the funds I need to travel. This will put me in a place where life is still being lived robustly, yet when I need to step in and be in quiet…it will be there (we are soundproofing the place!) For the first time in a long while I am looking forward with joy in my heart. This feels good. I am lucky. At 69 I am healthy, mobile, still have my wits about me, and have a few years to get in as much as I can before my time comes to leave this place and by damn I am going to give it all I got and see where it goes.
The next challenge? Thinning out the “stuff”.
