ACCEPTING CHANGE IS NOT ALWAYS EASY

Delaware River in New Hope

Accepting the change in my life is a lot harder at times than I let on.  Since my trip to the shore I have been feeling unsettled…that accepting change thing…the wanting to live with gusto but finding I am  having moments that throw me.  Today it hit me.  A common theme among those who have lost loved ones is the sense that everyone has left them.  We are forced to make new friends to fill the void of emptiness that we feel.  And that is when it struck me, that it is not a “man” I am looking for…it is a friend.  A real friend.  One like I had in Pat, because I realized this week in my quest to understand the depth of my being unsettled, that it is a real friend that I miss having in my life.  And I recognize why it is so difficult for me to find one like the one I have lost.

That answer is complicated.  First, in my youth, I didn’t have friends.  For many reasons it was just not so.  Part of it was because of my home life.  Home was not a welcome place to bring a friend into the house.  Second, is when you spend a childhood keeping a secret it is impossible to let anyone in.  I always wore a great mask, but it always hid what was going on inside my life.  During a recent conversation I had with someone from my past, we were discussing how we went through school.  He kicking and screaming, and then he said, “you trying to disappear.”  That resonated with me so hard I have been processing the thought of that ever since.  Once again, in my life the puzzle pieces come together.  In trying to understand the moment, I see through my past the why of what I am feeling.  I lost the one friend I had in life when I lost Pat.  No matter what he knew about me, no matter what I needed to share, I was an open book to him and he to me, and in that, a friendship grew like nothing I have ever experienced.  And that in the end is what I am missing most.  That someone who can accept me just as I am, and when I am out of line, gently and with love in their heart for who I am, nudge me back in place.  

I know this will surprise some who know me, but I struggle today in finding a friend.  The foundation of my youth was spent in hiding, and the 45 years I had with Pat, in living but I realize today that once he pulled me into the living it was something I took for granted because he made it so easy.  I always knew no matter what happened in life, I could go home to the safety net of his friendship and love.  And today, walking this stage of my life alone, I am in a struggle to gain that confidence in being me and alone while also being at peace with the idea of it all.  The difference in being lonely and being alone is a wide gully for me.  I don’t have trouble with eating out alone, doing things alone, traveling alone.  The truth is, there is zen in being alone.  But the lonely comes because I have not found that friend, and it is not because I don’t want her/him, it is that old sense of “fear” that comes from being afraid that if I am “me” it will not be enough.  It seems I have some work to do…and at this age, I am learning you never stop growing or learning.  As the old saying goes, “it ain’t over til it’s over.”