NO MORE GAY MARRIAGE

No.  Today, it is simply—marriage—and all that it brings with it.  Just that simple.  People much more eloquent than I will write about the events that have taken place today.  But for me, today is the first time I believe that we have fulfilled our promise to ourselves, “that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

Oh, I am aware of those around me who are filled with as much angst over this as those around me who are in celebration tonight. I hear what they are saying, but to be honest I don’t understand their inability to accept the idea that everyone deserves to be happy and to be treated equally.

I am today, thinking of those in my family, who, for the first time in their life, can be treated as normally as anyone else.  The decisions they make in life do not have to wear a cloak of defiance, for today they have won the right to reach for their own Life, Liberty and their own personal pursuit of Happiness.  

As I think of the children who suffer such pain wrestling with the idea of their differences that today, maybe, with compassion and love, the world will allow them—encourage them to grow and become great and wonderful people.

As I think on those in my family, who hid who they were from us, for fear we would not love them or accept them, because society made them believe they were evil…this day is for you.  I celebrate with you!  I and the family have always known what a wonderful person you are, and when you found the courage to share yourself with us, you gave us a chance to show you.  Thank you for trusting us with you!

I am not naive to think that this ruling wipes away prejudice.  Not by a long shot!  But I have lived long enough to see how with time, prejudice can be lessened and we can be open to those who are different than we are.  I dream. I hope. I believe in the goodness of mankind.

A SALUTE TO MY THREE SONS ON FATHER’S DAY

Justin, Joliene, Damian and Aaron

As I sat here this morning, watching the ads on TV celebrating Father’s Day, missing the “best father” that I was married to, I realized that through my son’s and their role as father, he is still here through them.

I remember as a young family, the times that I would watch as Pat would wrestle with the kids in the living room, putting everything around in danger of breaking, yet knowing in those moments how precious these times were. Memories that still lift my spirit today.

It is a joy for me to watch my three son’s in their own life as husband and father.  I see their Dad through them in so many ways.  

I am proud of my sons.  Each one different, and at the same time carry the character of their Dad, who in my eyes, was on balance a great dad to his kids. 

Damian, a father of four, is supportive, loving, and kind.  Filled with a spirit of compassion and generosity that comes as naturally to him as breathing.  

Justin, father of two, who not only sacrificed for our country but his family too, always putting his family first.  Over the years, I watched his relationship with his girls and how important it was for him that they know how much he loves them.  Whether apart because of his military duties or together, he had a way of making it known that he loved them and they are the most important thing in the world to him.

Aaron, my youngest son, and a father of two, works hard for his family.  Watching him play with his kids is a joy for me and takes me back to the days when I watched his father on the floor with the kids, wrestling, reminding me of the life lived long ago.

I have watched the three of them grow into wonderful husbands.  I love their choices in wives.  Together they have created beautiful, loving families.  The eight grandchildren all are special in their own ways.  

My greatest joy is when their busy schedules clear enough for us to gather as a whole family, watching them banter and play, but most important, celebrate each other.  These times are when I feel Pat around the most because they are all so much like him and if you ask me, you can’t be much better than that!

Enjoy your day sons.  You deserve the best!

NO ROOM FOR HATE

As I  listen to the news that an accused 20-year-old was arrested for the hateful crime in the AME Church in Charleston, I am continually struck how the language of hate that we hear every day can motivate a young man, with a full life ahead of him, to decide to take on such a heinous act.  

Every time something like the shooting in Charleston happens, we all pause and ask why?  We will come together to mourn those whose life is so senselessly taken by another man’s hate.  Conversations will go on until we get tired of talking and the next ugly event takes place. And nothing changes.

Humanity has always struggled with its hate factor.  As the world opens up and accepts those who are different in religion or color, those on the fringe get more frustrated that no one is listening.  And the language and unwillingness of our politicians and news media to keep their angry ugly rhetoric in check only offers fuel to those on the fringe.  

This is why I try and not pass on hateful messages, or share what some perceive as jokes when it is a hate-filled depiction of one side or the other.  I can disagree politically with anyone and not lose my love of who they are.  If we all thought alike, approached things alike, then would we not all be alike? Buy the very same things? Do the same things?  We don’t.  We enjoy different colors.  We enjoy different places.  We eat different foods.  We celebrate different holidays.  And it’s amazing how we can all accept those kinds of differences without question.  But our disrespect for each other flows so freely on both radio and tv shows,  and sometimes to those in our life who believe different than us, and we forget how our words can affect those on the fringe of our thinking.

As the politicians continue to not work together and practice the politics of division, we create a divide in our peoples that is fueled by their inability to compromise and work together to create the best for the “whole of us”, not just part of us.  The money-fueled-lobbyist controls our politicians after we vote to put them in office.  

Unless we collectively shout loud and long that enough is enough, these kinds of hate-filled acts will continue.  If we collectively, do not search for and work for the common good of the common man, then these kinds of hate-filled acts will continue.  If we collectively, cannot reach across the divide of beliefs to find those things we can make better, then these kinds of hate-filled acts will continue.  It lies within all of us to make these kinds of changes.  We must treat each other as we want to be treated.  It starts with me…and you…and you…and you…and you.

DREAMING OF SWEET REVENGE

STOP!  Every time I open my mail to find more credit card offers I want to spit! I know this means I have an excellent credit history (I make sure of it!) but I resent having to purchase a new paper shredder just to get rid of them.  Week in and week out I get 3 to 4 offers.  Shredding them is important, I know, because a few years back someone got ahold of a couple of our offers and tried unsuccessfully to get a new credit card in my husband’s name.  The person attempting to do this couldn’t guess his birthday correct and that is the reason they were unsuccessful.  

As I was clearing out the weeks worth of offers, I began to daydream about a sweet revenge toward these companies that consistently make me feel like I am the meat source in a piranha fish tank.  First I would apply to get every offer that came through the door, then I would spend all my own money and purchase one of those around-the-world trips.  I would go to every exotic place on this earth, live like a Queen, and when my cash was gone begin to use up all the credit cards.  I would charge them all to the max.

I would time this trip at the end of my life.  As the credit would run out, I would return home, throw a big party to say good-bye to all my family and friends and then die, leaving no assets to pay off my debts!  

Ah….but I know this in the end would only hurt those who carry credit cards.  These companies have found ways to make us all pay for their stupidity.  

Do you remember the days when loyalty was important?  A “loyal customer” got treated special.  Loyalty to a company often meant special rewards.  They use the word today, but I find no loyalty.  When Pat died, a credit card that we had for over 30 years, without notice, got cancelled.  When I called to complain, I was told that they were notified of his death and because Pat was the primary and I was only “a user” they had to cancel the card.

I refused to apply for a new card with them.  In fact, I don’t feel any loyalty to any company these days.  You make it worth my while, I’ll consider it.

Do you remember life before credit cards?  The local mom and pop store at the corner kept a “tab” for you.  I remember my grandmother Brown sending me to the corner store to pick up a couple of items for her and saying to them,  “please put this on my Grandma’s tab.”  When Grandpa got paid, he would walk down to the store and pay the bill.

Even back in 1966 when I first moved to Pennsylvania, the local gas station kept a tab for my mother-in-law when she got gas or service.  Any of the kids could drive in, get gas and at some point she would stop in and pay the bill.  

Credit cards may have made life easier to move along, but I do not enjoy the impersonal relationship.  I miss that place where “everybody knew your name.”

I must say though, that around-the-world trip sure sounds tempting!

YOU MUST WALK YOUR OWN PATH

I enjoy reading biographies, memoir and personal stories of people whose beginnings were challenging yet found ways to overcome those challenges.  Tavis Smiley is a commentator on NPR radio, author, columnist and guest on various other news shows.  He wrote a book about his friendship with Maya Angelou, “My Journey with Maya.”  

I read the following clip on his work, “Tavis Smiley dictates a letter to a young American with inspiration from his late friend, Maya Angelou. No matter how much you seek the answers to life from external sources, the truth you seek can only be found within you. You must walk your own path without aid of shortcuts. And you need to acknowledge that the journey toward the authentic you is more important than the destination.”

I am reminded this week, through the journeys of a couple of my friends, that no matter the journey we are on, learning how to be a survivor of anything is something no one can do for us.  We can search for answers from other people in hopes of inspiring us, or we can want others in our life to “save us”, but the truth is, what we search for can only be found within us.  

A lesson I learned in my initial journey of learning how to survive childhood abuse is that I first had to decide that I was worthy of a life well lived, then decided what “I” was willing to do to allow that to happen.  Hanging on to old hurts and pain only keeps us hurting and in pain.

I am lucky in that I was married to someone who allowed me to find my own way while standing by my side and loving me through it all.  The tools I learned through that journey have helped me through my journey of grief too.   

In my case, my personal grief was a struggle because I felt so complete with my best friend and husband by my side.  With him gone, I felt the vulnerable side of me become exposed and it was as if I was learning all over again how to live life.  And in many ways I am.  Living life as a wife and mother was a 45-year adventure.  Now, living life as a single person is a new and often alien experience for me.  The most important thing I am learning is to look for the authentic “me” that dwells within.  

I resisted it for a long time because the completeness of being “a part of something” felt so good and comforting.  So when someone comes to me looking for those magic answers, they are disappointed that I cannot provide the secret code to the door that opens them up to life again.  I cannot save anyone.  Choosing to live as full a life as I can, I can by example, be a light to those in darkness, to show that if you want to live, you will find a way.  

MY CAR BUYING DANCE!

Why is buying a car such a game?  I have always hated car shopping.  Until I bought my convertible, I never saw a car as anything but a way to get from point “A” to point “B”.  My convertible was a way to find small bits of happiness as I traveled to and from my errands.  It was my little bits of vacation in lieu of no vacation while I was locked down taking care of Pat during his illness.  

But now I am ready for some major road trips.  My car was a 2008 model.  A decision must be made.  To drive my car until the wheels come off or take advantage of the trade-in value and get a new car.  

A couple of months back I looked into some cars I thought I would be interested in.  I’m thinking hybrid.  Reading car reports and searching customer satisfaction sites I settled in on a Prius 3.  Since I am a procrastinator, I thought about it and then quickly found things to do.  

Then it was time for service and inspection on my car.  I no sooner made the appointment when I got a call from the dealership.

“I see you are bringing your 2008 Solara in for service and inspection.  Since your car is a 2008 model we thought you might like to know what your car may be worth on a trade in”, the friendly voice said on the other end of the phone.  “We can take the time while your car is in the shop and give you the numbers,” she continued.

“Okay,” I said.  “I am curious about that anyway.”  

About 1/2 hour later, Tim, the salesman calls and says, “I see you might be interested in looking at a new car,” he says in a chipper voice.

“Yes, I am only interested in looking, but I would like to know what my car would be worth on a trade-in.”

The day came, the service on my car began, and I was quickly greeted by the friendly voice on the phone who escorted me to Tim the salesman.

So began the dance.  My dance card filled quickly with the salesman, then the manager, and then back to the salesman.  Both looking at me as they presented the numbers like they had found a winner.

“I’m going to take this information home with me and speak with my son before I decide,” I said, “then I’ll call and let you know what I think.”

I went home, called my son, who quickly pointed out that the trade-in they offered was low.  Then my daughter reminded me that I am a member of AAA and they have an auto buying service powered by TRUECAR.  She plugged in the numbers and the make of the car and the service provided three close dealerships with a guaranteed price.

The AAA service cut the price of the car by $4000 when the dealership’s initial offer only knocked off $1500 off the retail price.  

I phoned and left a message.  “This is Marlene.  Shame on me for not being prepared to negotiate a deal for a car, but since leaving you I remembered my AAA membership.  I have a certificate guaranteeing a price of $22,000.00.  I also checked on my trade-in value and expect that we will negotiate this up from your initial offer.  The good news for you is that I have decided I am a willing buyer if the deal can be made.  The bad news for you is that I love my convertible and if I cannot make a deal that I like, I am happy to drive off with my top down and a smile on my face.  Call me if you are willing to accept my offer.”

This afternoon I drove home in my new Prius 3 looking forward to those road trips with long distances between fill-ups and the rebate check from AAA for using their car sales service!

SEEING LIFE THROUGH MY GRANDCHILDREN'S EYES

Northwestern Lehigh High School Class of 2015

My second grandchild graduated high school this past Saturday.  High School!!  I remember my own children graduating high school…hell, I remember graduating high school.  Funny how through the lives of our children and grandchildren we see how fast life passes by.  

As I sat surrounded by a thousand other grandmothers, grandfathers, parents, uncles, aunts, brothers and sisters, celebrating each graduate, I remembered the day Dani came home carried by an adoring father and mother.  Her sister, Britney waiting anxiously to hold her baby sister, all instantly becoming Dani’s adoration society.  

Because my son served his country for 20 years in the military, Britney and Dani, grew up in leaps and bounds before us.  Large chunks of time away from us as they lived in various military bases provided a distance both physically and emotionally.  

As I am in the winter of my life and look back through the eyes and activities of my children and grandchildren, I find it hard to absorb all that life has presented to me.  But more importantly how I feel today often surprises me.  My body may be that of a 68-year-old women, but my mind is still that young mother, raising her kids, worrying about their comings and goings, and keeping busy making time appear to fly by even faster.

I have few regrets in my adult life.  I have enjoyed most every minute of it and the time and energy I have spent being a mother and grandmother have fulfilled me in more ways than I can count.  And the joy that comes, when seeing life through the eyes of my grandchildren is indescribable as they are a living reminder of the wonderful life that I have been lucky enough to have lived.

DREAMS DO COME TRUE!

Jimmy Johnson's 10th Career Win at Dover!

Ever since Pat passed away I would shout out to the universe that I would buy the tickets if anyone was interested in attending an NASCAR race with me.  This year, my youngest son and his family gave me the trip as my birthday present.  We went to Dover yesterday and watched Jimmy Johnson win for the 10th time in his career at Dover!  If there was a first-time track to attend, I must say, this sure was a good choice!

The noise was incredible—thank God for earphones!  The body vibrations that were felt as 43 cars went flying by was unbelievable.  Watching seasoned fans was pure comedy!  

It was hot, but it could have been hotter!  Although we sat in the sun, a regular coating of sunscreen and hats kept us from getting burned.  By the end of the day, I did feel somewhat like a baked potato covered in grease and the shower I jumped into when I got home was refreshing!

I want to say something about my two young grandchildren who attended the race with me.  They were 6 and 9.  Although about half way through the race they began to ask about when they could go home, they were beyond wonderful at allowing the adults around them to enjoy the day.  They were so good that even another attendee of the race, seeing them seek refuge from the sun under the bleachers bought them ice cream.  As he handed the ice cream to Kelly, he just tipped his hat and walked away!  A sweet pay-it-forward moment!

Attending the race provided many entertaining opportunities.  From the skywriting planes to the parachute jumpers, to the fireworks and the entertainment….the day was filled with head-turning events and we didn’t even see it all!

Watching the seasoned fans provided its own share of funny entertaining memories.  There was the guy whose arms were burnt from the elbow down making the whiteness of his elbows up appear in stark contrast.  As we walked by he was lathering up the red part of his arms but exposing his chest and upper arms to the sun telling his buddies this would allow his burn to even out!  By the end of the day, I wondered if the exposed sunburned beer bellies or the hangovers would cause more pain!

There was the typical fan crazed moments of booing and screaming even though the noise level in the stands only allowed for the wild body animation of movement to interpret the moment!  Decked out in fan shirts, hats and pins, the stands were alive with energy and enthusiasm.  I loved it all!

Thank you, Aaron, Kelly, Scott, Hayden and Ella for giving me another wonderful moment to treasure in my lifetime of memories!