Sitting outdoors with the morning song of birds, the sparkle of rain and dew on the bushes from last nights rain, and random thoughts racing through my head, I decided to write them down and see where they take me. Some will refer to this as “string of consciousness writing.” One does this when you have lots of time on your hands. Today, I at least have this morning and it is beautiful. I can feel the humidity building so I know this breeze and comfort will be fleeting at best…just as in life the good moments come and go.
A person cannot reach my age and not carry a fair amount of pain and sorrow on their shoulders. I look around at the faces of those in my community, some who have twenty years on me, and watch them carefully as I look to get a clue on how to live beyond those painful moments.
What makes some in life carry the ability to just throw off those moments and move on, while others will carry them every day, every hour, every second into their living, forever being a victim. There must be comfort there but for the life of me I cannot figure out what it is. Pain is not something I want to deal with every day.
I love to surround myself by those who laugh, love, and live with gusto.
Someone I know, commented on something I wrote and said they believed it showed that I have a controlling personality. I can only conclude it is that they do not know me well, because if there is something I’m not, it is controlling. In this time of my life I feel a freedom to live in ways I have not had before. I am lucky enough to still have my health, and my ability is still there to fill me with a desire to explore this world and what it still has to offer me.
I have one daughter, who a friend once described,”is you Marlene, unleashed.” I have come to believe that more and more as she is temporarily with me. Oh she is smarter than me…she is smarter than a lot of people I know. But our spirit is the same. She carries that gusto for life and no matter what it has thrown at her, she pushes onward. She, like me, will take some time to process the hurt, but she like me, does not enjoy the dwelling at the place of pain, so she will reach up and out.
We decided to go on a spontaneous adventure together. She has an abundant of flyer miles, so we are taking a quick trip to the Grand Canyon. Two nights and three days…a whirlwind of a trip I know, but I like the spontaneity of it. I will tell you that I will enjoy the whole journey and the sights of the Grand Canyon will be the frosting on the cake!!
I love spontaneous moments. You don’t have to spend energy planning for something that may or may not work out. You just pick up and step out and move forward. Whatever happens, happens…you didn’t plan on anything anyway.
Now if I could just find a way to deal with that deepest of human needs…to be loved and wanted…then I could truly find a way to enjoy completely what these twilight days of my life bring me. Until then, I’ll take those moments that put a smile on my face and enjoy them to the best of my ability.
Time to put some music on and dance!
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