ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD, AGAIN

As I lay in bed (at the hospital for a sleep study) last night, I read over my last few journal entries and see how “drippy” my thinking as been this past week.  This happens now and then.  Accepting unwelcome change never comes easy.  And losing my husband qualifies big time on that account.  

I’m lucky to know that in my life’s journey I realized early on to not hang on to destructive and painful feelings and attitudes.  They do me no good except to slow me down and cause more pain.  But to deny them is also wrong.  I found a way to process these times in order for me to move on with life.  I do keep a lot inside, (except in my writings) and I know these moments are as important as the “happy” times and together make up who I am.  To deny one affects the other.  I practice giving both their equal due.  

I have mentioned in previous writings that painful memories flow like a river inside of me (inside all of us) and now and then they overflow their banks and I have to take time and work through them.

There is a lady in my community, a widow like myself, that  I have always looked to for motivation, as she appears strong and very content in her life today and when I mentioned to her how thrown I was by the emotions that filled me when my children and their families all peeled away and returned to their life.  She said, “I cry every time we go on vacation together.”  “Just like you, as they leave me and head home ahead of me, I am sad and emotional to say good-bye”, she continued.  “It is that I am having fun with them, and I really hate to see it end.”

And there is the truth.  The week down at the shore with my gang was fun, and memorable.  No pressure to do anything but what we wanted to do, and I loved every day until they started, one by one, to head on home.

This was the first time our family had gotten together for a vacation and the saying good-bye threw me and I fell all the way back to those first moments of being alone after losing Pat.   This morning, in the early light of dawn I am doing much better. 

When I cannot seem to shake an attitude or mood, I find it helpful to read back over my writings.  I find that once expressed, the hight of the emotions levels off and when I read them back, although I recognize the feelings, I am not as intense with them.  That is the sign to myself that everything will be okay.  And so it will.  And now I am off to be with two of my grandchildren.  And I tell you…they are better than puppy dogs as they run up to me, throw their arms around me and shout, “Grammy, I missed you!”  

“I missed you too,” I reply as they cling to my legs giving me all they got at the moment.  All is right with the world once again.

SOME DAYS ARE JUST HARD

As I read other stories of those who lost their partners in life, I see a common theme.  Adjusting to living alone and finding a new purpose in living.  I keep pushing to make both happen but there are days when it is just hard.  The following two poems just emptied out of me.  I have learned through my years if I allow expression to my feelings, the junk gets cleared and I can move on.  So I'm going for it!

RAMBLING THOUGHTS OF A WIDOWS HEART

Ears ring with silence

thoughts dance through my head

broken scrambled reaching longing

allowing thoughts to fill me

searching for purpose

for connection

for life

Being alone has its moments

creative energy flows

fills me

then the loneliness—no one to share things with

and the silence once again roars in my head

We are not meant to be alone 

to stand outside and look in

we are a tribe 

we need to belong

to feel

to touch

to hug

to be part of something

I walk along the river and watch others

stroll too

I see hands being held

and I think of you

we never took many steps 

without reaching out to each other

Connected

Loved

Accepted

Purpose

I long for these feelings to come to me again

but I wonder if ever.

Once again I keep moving

facing forks in the road.

fighting hard to not give up

working on enjoying the day

taking steps to go out and play 

I am…

I am what?  

I am…me.

**************

ONE IS A LONELY NUMBER

What am I…who am I…

An old women, whose life has been lived

yet days remain and what do I give?

I don’t want to intrude, to be a pest or a bore

I just want to belong

Nothing much…nothing more

If I have something to share

there is no one to call

no one who cares

just me and the wall

Do I shout to the world

hey look at me

do I stand meekly by

hoping you see.

I try hard to be helpful

I work to be kind

but in the end it is me

that lives alone in my mind

I don’t want to hide 

from the world I enjoy

I will just keep moving 

until someone I find

that will friend me and like me

and think of me as kind

I hope you’ll see through my mask

that I ‘m tender and loving

as we are on this journey—those of us who live alone

you would think we could find each other

and end this world of loneliness.

ACCEPTING CHANGE IS NOT ALWAYS EASY

Delaware River in New Hope

Accepting the change in my life is a lot harder at times than I let on.  Since my trip to the shore I have been feeling unsettled…that accepting change thing…the wanting to live with gusto but finding I am  having moments that throw me.  Today it hit me.  A common theme among those who have lost loved ones is the sense that everyone has left them.  We are forced to make new friends to fill the void of emptiness that we feel.  And that is when it struck me, that it is not a “man” I am looking for…it is a friend.  A real friend.  One like I had in Pat, because I realized this week in my quest to understand the depth of my being unsettled, that it is a real friend that I miss having in my life.  And I recognize why it is so difficult for me to find one like the one I have lost.

That answer is complicated.  First, in my youth, I didn’t have friends.  For many reasons it was just not so.  Part of it was because of my home life.  Home was not a welcome place to bring a friend into the house.  Second, is when you spend a childhood keeping a secret it is impossible to let anyone in.  I always wore a great mask, but it always hid what was going on inside my life.  During a recent conversation I had with someone from my past, we were discussing how we went through school.  He kicking and screaming, and then he said, “you trying to disappear.”  That resonated with me so hard I have been processing the thought of that ever since.  Once again, in my life the puzzle pieces come together.  In trying to understand the moment, I see through my past the why of what I am feeling.  I lost the one friend I had in life when I lost Pat.  No matter what he knew about me, no matter what I needed to share, I was an open book to him and he to me, and in that, a friendship grew like nothing I have ever experienced.  And that in the end is what I am missing most.  That someone who can accept me just as I am, and when I am out of line, gently and with love in their heart for who I am, nudge me back in place.  

I know this will surprise some who know me, but I struggle today in finding a friend.  The foundation of my youth was spent in hiding, and the 45 years I had with Pat, in living but I realize today that once he pulled me into the living it was something I took for granted because he made it so easy.  I always knew no matter what happened in life, I could go home to the safety net of his friendship and love.  And today, walking this stage of my life alone, I am in a struggle to gain that confidence in being me and alone while also being at peace with the idea of it all.  The difference in being lonely and being alone is a wide gully for me.  I don’t have trouble with eating out alone, doing things alone, traveling alone.  The truth is, there is zen in being alone.  But the lonely comes because I have not found that friend, and it is not because I don’t want her/him, it is that old sense of “fear” that comes from being afraid that if I am “me” it will not be enough.  It seems I have some work to do…and at this age, I am learning you never stop growing or learning.  As the old saying goes, “it ain’t over til it’s over.”

RETURNING TO REALITY

I have another bucket-list item checked off my list today.  For over 40 years I have always wanted to be at the ocean when a good storm would bring up the waves and pound the shore line.  With Hurricane Arthur moving up the east coast, it’s power is being felt in the thunderous surf.  As the day went on, the heaving of the waves, and thunderous sounds of the ocean roar filled the shore community .  

The sad part for the little ones this week is that the fire works they so looked forward to are postponed until the evening of our departure.  But as the evening rolled on individuals up and down the shore line set off fireworks—enough to satisfy anyone wanting to see the colors of the red, white and blue.  It still is a week of wonderful memories.

But tonight, as I stood on the waters edge it filled me with so many emotions.  I enjoy walking the edge of the ocean when the rest of the world has abandoned the beach, but my sense of aloneness filled me in ways I have yet to be able to describe. Everyone has left except for my one son and his family and they are walking the beach searching for sea treasures.  I am getting a glimpse of what remains when they all return to their lives…me.  I have never felt so connected as I was when I was a wife and young mother.  Today I am an observer of what use to be.  Surrounded by purpose and partnership was the most fulfilling part of my life.  Without it, I am lost and trying hard to find a way to accept this and enjoy the days left to me.   

As I look around me  at those who have lost a loved one, and are as old or older than I am, I wonder what they have done in their life to accept this change.  I want to know if the smile I see on their face is genuine or just a mask that hides the truth inside their soul.  

I never believed that accepting the changes in life would be linear or easy.  I miss having that special someone to talk over life's challenges and daily happenings.  I write I guess, because it is all I have to process what goes on inside my head.  Some days it is not enough, but I keep on keeping on!

SOUVENIRS FROM THE BEACH

Happy July 4th!  Today is the last full day of our family vacation in Sea Isle City.  Although,  Hurricane Arthur is playing havoc with any 4th of July plans, the rest of the week has been good.  

Treasurers have been gathered from the ocean’s edge by both adults and kids.  Stones, shells, conch…oh the conch.  Aaron found the first one—and the biggest one—Scott found the second one and Lauren came in last night with one she found lying on the beach.  The conch finds brought more smiles than anything else we have experienced all week.  In all my years this is the first time I have seen them outside of a seaside gift shop.  The colors on the finds have been beautiful too.  

I love watching Lauren stroll up and down on the beach in search of any treasure the ocean releases.  She gets this beautiful glow on her face and you know she is having fun.  In fact, as I write this, she and Honor are at the beach in search of new treasures in the rains from Hurricane Arthur.  

Last night Leighton, my grandson, caught a small shark.  “Did you hear about the man who caught a shark with his bare hands?” he asks with that glint in his eye.  “A manly man”, he says with a smile and then a bigger smile when you finally learn it was him!  

Logan (7) and Ella (5), the youngest of the grandkids, are the most fun to watch return from the beach.  “Look, Grammy!”, they shout.  “Look what we found!  Aren’t they pretty?”  Sand buckets filled with shells and stones, all treasures to take home—souvenirs from the beach!

Chewie spent most all his time like this
on the front porch at Sea Isle City.

There has been laughter—much laughter.  The boys have been the source of most of that.  I do believe true to a man’s form, they never stop being kids.  Friends of the family, Scott and Meredith were here with us in the beginning of the week.  Scott and Aaron, my youngest son, are a duo together that brings mischief wherever they go.  The man next door said to us, “Boy after Scott left it got quiet here.”    We laughed.  Our family reputation is in tack, we can blame it all on Scott, despite the fact that we know who is the real culprit.  

I will be sad to see this time with my family end.  I needed to see and feel my family around me and in today’s world of crazy work schedules and kid activities it can be a challenge to make it happen.  I thank all of them for accepting my invitation to gather together. I hope they all were able to find their own souvenirs from the beach.

CELEBRATING THE 4TH OF JULY WITH PRIDE

The first thing my son Justin did when he and his wife Stacy arrived here in Sea Isle City to join us for the family 4th of July gathering was to put up his Seabee flag.  A pride he has earned by serving our country for 20 years as a Navy Seabee.  

The 4th of July brings to the forefront our family history of service.  I am the family historian and have spent 44 years gathering stories and facts about our ancestors.  Service to our country is threaded throughout our family history.  From the Revolution to my son’s recent retirement from the Navy, the men in our family have stood up and served our country with pride.

I am lucky to have pictures and discharge papers from our 2nd great grandfather George Daniel Pifer, Major in the Civil War, grand father, John Ford, Sgt. in Calvary for the Army in World War I,  and my father, William E Brown, Army, World War II.  Prior to the Civil War we have ancestors on both sides of our family who were involved in the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812.

Along with those mentioned, we have an Uncle, who enlisted and served for both the Navy and Army following World War II, my husband was in the Navy before being injured and retired disabled, my brother-in-law served during Vietnam in the Air Force, my brother served the Air Force and retired after 20 years service, (he met his wife who was also serving in the Air Force) along with his son is presently serving in the Air Force aiming for a 20 year retirement, and also my younger son also served in the Air Force for 4 years.  

We owe it to our young men and women today to weigh carefully the obligation we ask of them.  When so few of us carry so many of us on their back we need to make sure we not only keep our promises to them, but promise them that any time we ask them to go out in combat to serve our political needs, we do it with great deliberation.

Happy 4th of July to all, especially to those who have given their life to enable us to celebrate this great holiday.

THE THINGS I SEE AT THE SHORE!

I see this week in hanging out with the kids that aging does have its perks.  I provided the setting for us all to come together.  I even supplied many of the basic needs, but in asking everyone to provide one meal a night has made my existence here seem too easy at times.  

I’m sitting back and watching the people in charge of the meal do their  thing and I get to visit.  Of course with a gang this large there are those pick up times but that seems easy in comparison to how I remember life as a mother of four and whatever friends they had hanging around.

I am not the type of person that feels the need to have her hands in everything that goes on.  I keep an eye on the care given the surroundings but outside of that I feel like I am floating this week.  What a joy.  Sitting by the seaside, smelling the ocean, listening to the waves beat up against the shore is pure heaven.  Even the threat of Tropical Storm Arthur is not upsetting me.  We may lose the opportunity to see the fireworks if it stays on through the night, but I have always wanted to be near the ocean during a storm to feel and see the power of the waves.  Another thing on my bucket list.  So no matter what happens…fireworks…storm…it will be pure joy to me!

The real fun for me is sitting on the front porch and watching the people head on down to the beach.  All shapes, sizes and walking styles.  Today I watched a good looking gray haired man—but he knew it—strut his stuff.  A gold necklace pulling your eye to a chest full of hair, and a copper tone tan that let you know he is no stranger to the beach.  He stands on the board walk, spots a beautiful set of blond twins coming down the boardwalk, so he pauses, puts his one leg up and stretches, showing how far his legs go up in a suit that is made more for a teen than a old man, even one with a descent body!  The girls go by, and he makes a point to watch them and then turn to see if they are looking back at him.  I about busted my gut laughing.

Last night, while spending the evening porch sitting and watching the boardwalk stroll, I noticed a young women stop under the light post, but due to my aging eyes could not quite make out what she was doing.  Turning to the kids I asked, “Can you make out what she is doing?”  To our amazement as we watched her pull her pants up while standing up we realized she just dropped and peed on the boardwalk.  Not believing what we saw, the guys ran up to check the spot where she was and shouted back to us on the porch, “Yep, there is a wet spot!”  Another great laugh!

We watched a man get a ticket for parking in the “do not park beyond this point spot”, a woman in a van back right into the fire hydrant, and the hunt for parking spaces during peak beach time is pure sport.

Yep, I’m having a great time.  I’m glad I am here!