ALONE-LONELY-ALONE

In my youth, being alone as I would adventure out into the world was fun, exciting and full of promise.  In time, when I met my late husband, being alone now and then meant relieve from the pressure of life and raising the four babies.  After my husband died, being alone meant lonely.  Oh boy, what a difference!  It is all a matter of choice.  I chose to be alone when I was young or wanted to escape from the pressures of life, but being alone after losing a life partner is not a choice.

In the five years that he has been gone, the struggle was to find my way and develop a purpose in living and life.  I have been lucky.  Caring for someone through the dying process can be difficult when it happens over a long period of time.  In a discussion recently with a friend who is also a widow, we talked about the difference between losing someone over a long period of time vs a short or sudden loss.  And we both realized how fortunate we were in our journey.  When you care for someone over a long duration, there is a shared grief that happens between you and the one you love.  A long goodbye but time for words, tears, and a sharing that when death happens fast, does not occur. 

I found relieve at Pat’s passing.  A lifting of burdens.  That is when the loneliness hit me.  No purpose.  No one to care for.  No one to care about what I did, thought, or wanted.  The feeling of being a fish alone in the sea.  

I worked on finding a way to make peace with this period of my life.  I kept doing, and playing, and going places.  More often alone than not.  It was hard at times.  The feeling you could disappear off the side of a cliff wondering if anyone would notice.  Wondering how long I would be gone before anyone would check on me.  Not good thoughts and work had to be done to settle these feelings.

I never expected or counted on the idea that I would be lucky enough to ever find someone again.  I mean, look around.  There are more widows out there than single men to stand by their side. Life’s journey is what it is and we all must make peace where we stand.  And I did.  I kept moving and found I could get through the days.  Always being open to new experiences and meeting new people that opened the door to new adventures.  I love meeting new people and getting to know their story.  There are many heroes out in the world.  Many courageous souls who carry heartaches yet still find ways to enjoy their days.  I looked for them in my journey, always searching for clues on how to get through them myself.  

It took a while for me to be happy where I stood, but I did.  I am okay and began to make plans to find ways to play until the time comes that I can’t anymore.  Determined not to reach the end of my days with “coulda/shoulda’s” in my thinking.  

Loneliness was pushed away by my activities.  Oh, there still were those moments when I left an event where I was genuinely having a good time,  entered my car, closed the door and felt the hammer of my aloneness slam me in the face.  Those continue to be difficult to deal with at times.

Then something happened.  My willingness to continue to take chances, go places and meet new people placed me in the path of someone, who like me, was at peace with doing things alone, yet…there was that one spot missing…that one desire to have some shared experiences with someone.  Me, looking for someone to do some traveling with, share some experiences with and him just looking for someone to meet up with now and then, “A dinner or a movie,” he said. 

There we stood, fumbling with the rules of how to do this in our 70’s…yet each time we got together we discovered over and over again how wonderful to find that special someone to fill our days and share our experiences.  Both afraid to think of anything but the moment at hand, worried that to think anything else would jinx the good thing we have found, we continue to grow and plan and enjoy each time we are together.  

I don’t know where or how this will end.  We both are enjoying the times we are together and find ourselves making plans and wanting to share them with each other.  Being alone now is not so lonely, except for the fact that I miss him and hope always he misses me.  But alone now is not filled with the loneliness that I carried before I met him.  I am one lucky broad!