As I traveled these past couple of weeks I once again met some incredible people whose positive attitude and outlook on life can only impress once you hear what life has dealt them. Each of us has a story to tell and in them all, the life’s lesson is that it is not what happens in life, but what you do with life once the hardship has passed.
Possessing a positive spirit does not come without some pain in the background. I easily see that those who carry a happy spirit make a personal choice to do so. Being around people who choose this is nothing, if not a motivation for each of us to figure out the secret of living with a happy spirit.
One of the common threads of discussion this past week was caretaking our loved ones through illness and eventually their death. Until someone walks this walk with a loved one, it is hard to think about what it is like. Most will respond with, “Oh, I don’t think I can handle that.” The truth is, that we often find ourselves in the middle of what we think we can handle before we realize it.
Listening to the sharing that went on this past couple of weeks I am reminded of the lessons I learned in my own journey of taking care of my family through their end days on this earth. The last 13 years was the hardest for me. First, my Dad was with me the last 3 1/2 years of his life when my husband became ill a year before my Dad died.
I too thought I could not handle what eventually I became good at. The hardest part was caring for my Dad’s personal hygiene. Quickly though, it became “doing what needs to be done” without thought of how I felt or how he felt. The blessing for him was that by the time it reached that point his mental faculties were lost and he did not realize who was taking care of him. A blessing for both of us.
Caring for Pat for the years he was ill was the toughest yet most tender part of our life together. Not because of how the fun things in life took a back seat to the caretaking, but because there is so many other issues wrapped up in the days spent by the side of a loved one who has entered the dying process. There is the preparation of the loss. Each day I found myself trying to give my best, because I knew how much I would miss him when he was gone. I tried to soak in every good moment I could, yet there were the days when fatigue and depression would set upon me and I was unable to give him my best. That would often be followed by guilt, which he would never let me own because he recognized how hard this was. That would only be followed by more guilt because his kindness and love toward me was so complete and unconditional.
As the years went on, and I became more and more teathered to the house, standing at the door watching the world go on while feeling trapped became the most challenging moment for me. Pat deserved the best of me during this time, because i always knew that if it were me in that bed he would of given the best of himself. But how to do that on a day in and day out basis?
People would offer up their help, but we believed in the commitment of “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health”. This was our journey and we did not want to impose on anyone, especially our children until our need for them was required. As caretakers when we think of help, we don’t think of ourselves as much as we should. When someone offers up their services to us, we immediately think of what can be done for the person who is ill. The truth is, we should be asking what do I need so I can continue to do my best. That is when I concluded that I needed to find every small way I could to refresh my soul.
I bought a convertible so that when heading out on errands, I could put my top down and enjoy the ride on a back road to the grocery store, listening to music or just the sounds of the wind blowing in and the birds singing their songs.
I decided to bring in someone to clean the house at least once a month. Seems silly on many levels to do this, as my place is small and hearing my mother’s voice in my ear, “anyone can clean this in a minute.” But the truth is when we are bogged down in the chores of everyday, it can get hard and be downright depressing. Having someone come in and clean the corners lifted my spirit.
I needed a challenge not connected with death and dying. I decided to try something totally out of my comfort zone. I took up oil painting. Now I never have considered myself an artist, but I needed something so alien to me, that it challenged me and kept me engaged. I bought videos, books, watched how to you tube videos and began to play. I loved it (and still do) even though I still don’t consider myself an artist I just love to play.
These are just a couple of things I did to keep me engaged, challenged, and inspired by the world. Instead of standing by a window watching the world live, go and do, I brought what I could into the house. I was inspired and it brought a level of comfort to me as I was tethered to the house doing my best for Pat.
By working to stay positive, even in the face of his death, we had happy times…laughing moments…and tender sharing moments. All possible because I was in a better frame of mind…not a bitter one.
So caretakers….take care. When you stand before someone who says to you, “if you need anything call me”, put yourself on that list of needs. If you take care of yourself then you will have all you need to care for the ones you love.
Are you listening Dee?
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