I have gotten some calls with concerns because of some of my recent posts about loneliness and depression. I believe our subconscious often sends us messages when we are unable to recognize it any other way.
As I sit and analyze what I had posted I acknowledge that I am in a tender spot these past couple of weeks. I miss my old life and know that it can never be…and I don’t like it.
Fall was always a most happy time for me. As Christmas for me is a season and not just the day, so it is when Fall sets in, blessing us with the canopy of color and warmth. It was 48 years ago this month that I moved from Illinois to Pennsylvania to start my new life. From the first week of October until Thanksgiving Day, my memories are filled with the most joyous time of my life.
Pulling a 4 x 6 U-Haul trailer with my 66 VW from Ingleside to Harleysville was a most joyous ride. We couldn’t travel more than 40 miles an hour as the U-Haul contained all my worldly processions. Half way through the trip Pat asked me if we could spend the night at a hotel as he was getting tired. “Can you promise to behave yourself?” I asked.
“I can’t promise that,” he said.
“Then keep on trucking!”, I replied.
And he did…for a total travel time of 23 hours. When he pulled into his mother’s driveway, he backed in, walked in the front door with me tagging behind, and said, “Mom, take care of Marlene, I am tired and I am going to bed.”
And he did, leaving me to deal with the greetings to my new family to be. So began a whirlwind six weeks of meeting and getting to know what life is like when it is surrounded by love.
My first introduction to this family were the family meals. Every meal found the family hanging at the table after we finished eating, talking about the day and all that it brought. I met new family members around that table and learned to laugh with abandon and joy at the teasing and camaraderie. It was a tradition that got carried on through our own family. No matter how busy we were, we spent many dinners at the dining room table in our home. It was always special to me.
There were embarrassing moments too during that six weeks. My husband’s grandmother, Muddy, lived with the family. A proper Irish women with high standards who, although crippled with arthritis, was always doing what she could to help with the household duties.
One day, after coming home from my new job, I found Muddy pacing back and forth in the living room waiting for me to return. When I walked into the house, she grabbed my hand and took me up to her room. I could not imagine what I had done wrong as she was visibly upset. It turns out that she had found, in doing my laundry, that I was not in procession of the appropriate undergarments for a young women about to get married. So bad. she thought, that she went up to the room I shared with Pat’s sister and went into my drawers and threw out all my underwear.
Once she got them outside into the trash, she began to have second thoughts about her decision but before she could retrieve them from the trash the trash man had come and emptied the can. There I was, standing before her with the only pair of underwear I owned on my body and Muddy slipping some money into my hands, apologizing for what she had done.
I wanted to run and hide I was so embarrassed. What is worse I did not know my way around enough to know where to go that evening to shop for new ones. I had to wait for Pat to return from work and ask him to take me shopping. If I could have run away that very moment and never show my face again, I would of, but I could not find my way out of a paper bag at that time. I was forced to stand and deal with the experience and process it all the best I could.
It was the first time I learned the first lesson from my new husband to be…and that was, “when someone does something to you out of love, you cannot be mad at them. She only wanted the best for you and wanted you to be able to give your best to me.”
My first taste of unconditional love…something that would take a few more lessons for me to learn, but learn I did. He showed me over and over again, how to look at life with love in my heart. With Pat gone from me, and this Fall season flooding me with memories of my early days in this incredible journey called life, I do find myself fluctuating in emotions.
I miss my cheerleader and friend…
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