I write to process life as it presents itself to me. Plain and simple. The other day I wrote about the loneliness found in the aging population. You only need to look around you and you can find it if you want to. For me, writing about this loneliness helps me to understand that it is a normal passage of life. Lucky are those who are the first to die in the partnership. The first to die still has a family intact, an advocate when you cannot think or act on your own, and most important that someone close who knows when you need the family nearby. You are never alone.
But once you lose that partner, you stand alone in the world facing most all these moments by yourself. I remember after Pat died, thinking on more than one occasion, how long would it be before someone found me if I should collapse in the house? And when I talk to those who live in my community who find themselves in the same position as myself, this conversation comes with lots of I-know-what-you-mean head nods. Yes…yes…yes….me too is the common idiom.
And the truth is, there have been occasions here in the community where people have died and it was a few days before they were found. It happens. We do not want it to be us…but it could happen. The most common assumption is that having children is a safety net for these things to not take place. Not so. Our children are busy living their own lives. A full schedule makes time pass quickly between calls or visits.
There is a level of fear that some express when it comes to these vulnerable moments. I don’t know how you make those moments go away. I try to fight them by staying busy, but the truth is this does not always satisfy either.
In the beginning of my journey of learning how to live alone, I wrote a poem titled, “Keep Moving”.
Keep moving.
No time to think
No time to miss
the things that gave me joy
So I just keep moving.
Keep moving.
To stop is to feel
I don’t want that now
the pain is too real.
Just keep moving.
Keep moving.
If I stop
I know the pain will take me
to places, I don’t want to be.
I just keep moving.
Keep moving.
A wife, a mother I used to be,
It feels so long ago
What am I now?
I really don’t know
so I just keep moving.
If I keep moving
the pain won’t be real.
If I keep moving
it will be hard to feel
the dark that fills my insides.
I just keep moving.
Oh, what do I do?
A wife, a mother I used to be.
What am I now
in this club, I did not want to join?
A child?
My parents both gone
a child no moe.
A wife?
My husband passed on
a lover no more.
A mother?
Children grown and gone
with lives of their own,
a mother no more.
A grandmother, yes.
So sweet when they are young
but as they grow
I am an old person they know.
So what am I these days?
I float—keep moving along
afraid to stop because
I know the pain will overtake me.
I keep moving.
No desire to stand still
Oh God
please tell me your will.
So many steps ahead.
What could each one bring?
If I keep moving will I
know when it is okay to stop?
Just breath—be quiet, listen, feel it.
A new day will dawn.
New things will come.
Stop moving long enough and
just take it slow.
Who am I now?
I just want to know.
Existing is not enough
purpose has to be the stuff.
Keep opening doors,
who knows what I will find.
Keep moving.
This will buy me time.
I hope the day will come
when I no longer feel the need to run
to fill my time and space.
With some luck
I will find my place.
STOP
Breath—Listen—Feel it
Everything will be OKAY.
There are times this still is my cry in the night. I am better today than when I first wrote this. But living alone can still be a struggle for me from time to time. Loneliness is still that dark hole I feel occasionally. Not sure of my place in the lives around me can still fill me with emotion and uncertainty. But filling my time with things to do is all I can do and like that river of pain that flows beneath my soul, sometimes it rears its ugly head and I just have to let it pass through me until I get up and move forward again.
I also recognize that I am in an emotional place…50 years ago this month I said yes to a marriage proposal that changed my life forever. 50 years ago. How can time pass by so fast? How can it be that long? 50 years ago I was starting a new life. And now 50 years later I am starting a new phase again. Life. Passages. Normal. And all I can do is remember what I wrote back in the beginning of this new journey…to stop—breath—listen—feel it…and know that everything will be okay.
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