DWELLING IN THE PAST

1980

 I know why, as we age, we dwell in the past.  As the isolation of aging surrounds us, and the loneliness envelopes us, we fill our mind with memories to remind ourselves that once, we too, lived full and meaningful lives.

So busy in fact, that we didn't take time out of our crazy busy schedules to really enjoy it all.

Oh how I remember our home that we loved so, with one bathroom and 6 to 8 people who always needed to take morning showers.  We did it, but it was all in the timing.

Oh how I remember feeling like the car was part of my body as I drove the four kids to all their activities.  All I did was drive, drop off, drive, pick up, wait, wait, and wait.  There was a time I remember the fatigue was so deep, that waiting in the car to pick up one of the kids I found myself tearing up…not because I was sad or unhappy, but the depth of tiredness filled my body so.  Being sleep deprived was the name of the game when the family was young.

One thing I always did when the kids lived at home, even through their teen years, was to go to each room and say goodnight, or have a bit of a conversation with them, even when one, like Justin, would get that glazed look over his eyes and you just knew he just wanted me to go away…I didn’t.  

It was often 10 at night before I could find that first moment to get off my feet and sit.  

I remember Pat working his 16 hour shifts, leaving me to deal with the four kids alone, sometimes for days at a time.  It was not easy.  But I would give anything to have those days back.  Even when there were times I could not tell Monday from Sunday because all I did was feed the kids, clean the kids, change the diapers, wash the diapers, and try and keep the house in order.  Exhausting and not fun on many levels, but this too I would love to have back.

For in looking back, there was life, living, being needed and someone to share it all with.  

I loved watching Pat wrestle with the kids.  So often I would stand at the door way watching them roll around on the floor and think what a beautiful sight this was and let the tears flow.  I never experienced this kind of happiness in my own childhood, and I was so happy to be able to have it in my adult life.  

Pat and I didn’t have a lot of money with only one of us working, but we had a lot of fun as a family.  We didn’t take a lot of vacations, mostly day trips were all we could afford.  We would get up at 5 in the morning, head down to the shore, eat breakfast, spend the day on the beach, shower at a bath house, walk the Boardwalk, have dinner and head home, being home by 8 at night.  Sometimes we would pack up a picnic lunch, and go to places like Mauch Chunk at Jim Thorpe, and we would swim, while Pat fished.  

Yes, looking back reminds me that life was not always this quiet and I was not always alone.  It also shows me that life has many passages, and all have a purpose in it’s own stage, and i just have to find the purpose in this one.  Like everything else in life, I know in time, this too shall be revealed to me and I will once again rejoice in it all.  In the mean time be easy on me if you find me “dwelling in the past”. It is my way of reminding myself, that once, I too, had a full and meaningful life and someone to share it all with.