A friend asked me today, “What have you ever been afraid of?” I had to stop and think about that. The first thing that came to my mind was 9/11. My daughter worked in New York City at the time and was on the subway when the first plane hit the Trade Center. I was not intimately aware of where she was in relationship to the event, so I just worried and kept trying to reach her. It was 10:30 a.m. when I finally got that call, that said she was okay, but her building was being evacuated and she was trying to figure out how to get back to Brooklyn.
When I heard her voice on the phone, I dropped to my knees and could hardly speak, except to say over and over that I loved her.
That fearful moment will always take first place in my book. Beyond that I have to work hard to think of any moments that filled me with fear. I should of been afraid back in 1966, when after being proposed to, I moved East, unmarried, to follow a young man whom I barely knew. (Our first date was June 24, engaged Aug 13th, moved to Pennsylvania Oct 7th and married November 24th of the same year.), but I wasn’t afraid. Once he convinced me that he loved me, I never looked back.
I should of been afraid when as a young women, when I would pick a direction on a Friday morning, armed with only a compass, atlas, a good book and an overnight bag, drive 8 hours, spend the night and next day in the town I landed in, then returned home on Sunday. My sense of adventure and freedom is all I needed then. No cell phone, no CB radio—I didn’t even call home to let anyone know where I landed—they didn’t ask me to.
Walking through life with my best friend and husband of 45 years always made me feel confident that nothing was impossible to overcome. And today, over two years past his death, I still find myself feeling like that. The adjustment to being alone has not been without it’s moments, but caring for the home, making financial decisions on my own were all done by me the last 13 years we had together as he was unable to do any of those things…not even with me. It was always, “do what you think best, hon.” So I did. It turns out to have been a great gift of self reliance even though there were moments I would of loved to have had a helping hand.
Not even a childhood filled with too much drink, fighting, and abuse filled me with fear as it was my “normal” life and one that I learned how to dance in.
As an adult, I have always felt blessed in life. As I ponder the question from my friend, I wonder if it because despite all that I experienced that was not great, there was only one moment filled with fear. For that I am grateful.
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