That is the question! It has been implied that I may not have time in my life for a relationship. This has made me stand back and think about the life I am living today.
When I found myself alone after a 45-year marriage, I had to make a conscience decision on how to embrace this new way of living I found myself in. For 45 years I was a partner. My identity was wrapped around that and motherhood. Neither of which is on the table today. Oh I am still a mother of four adult children, but they have lives of their own, and their need for mothering is no more. We did a good job in raising our kids, and they are all very independent.
That leaves me standing in this world alone, though. I struggle with that at times. I decided early on to embrace this part of life with as much enthusiasm as I could. I needed to find a way that living alone would be okay. Look around, and you see a whole lot more widows than widowers. But that does not mean that a part of me would not enjoy having that special someone to share the daily comings and goings of living. I have written before that life for me today, seems to stop at the door. You go out, have a good time, but once you leave that moment it stops. A ride home is in silence but for the radio or the thoughts in my head. It is always a stark reminder of my position in this life when I leave a gathering….alone.
I fight this by being spontaneous in nature and saying yes to many last minute opportunities to go places or do something, and also to plan activities around things I like to do. But I find if you do meet someone and your calendar in the beginning does not leave open the time they want of you immediately, they want to walk away and go find that person who is available instantly, completely, and on their timeline, ignoring the fact that you have a life too. I get that you want to spend time together, but it has to be a compromise for both.
My husband’s uncle in his widowerhood has shown us all how wonderful life can be after losing a spouse. He found an old friend and they have become wonderful and loving companions. Each maintaining their own homes, but sharing a part of every day together. My Dad did the same thing. He dated a women 9 years after Mama died, meeting for breakfast and dinner, traveling together, doing things together and all the while each returning to their own homes. It was great right up until the end for my Dad, then I had him move in with me so I could care for him the last days of his life. But for those 9 years, my Dad was as happy as he could be having that special someone to share his thoughts and time with.
I don’t know what I am looking for, but I do know what I am open for…a full life! If that means finding that special friend, love, companionship, or accepting the fact that each day will provide an opportunity to find happiness even in the small things…well, I’ll just find a way to be okay by accepting what is.
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