I’VE COME A LONG WAY

As I sit here this Saturday, not babysitting, or doing anything else for that matter, trying to recover from a short hospital visit, and a diagnosis of diverticulitis and another round of bladder infection, I realized how different this visit was as compared to the first time I went in after losing Pat.  

The first time I went in, I was more acutely aware of not having Pat, my comforter, with me.   I felt extremely vulnerable and alone.  Every question was loaded with reminders of my new station in life.  But this time the experience was totally different.

When the fever and pain told me this was something different and needed attention, I called the doctor’s office and got the direction to go to the ER.  I was calm through the whole thing…in pain…but calm.  I knew I could always call 911.  When a neighbor heard that I was having issues they offered to drive me, too.  I decided to call my daughter who worked nearby and let her know I was heading over to the ER  and she responded with, “I’ll be right there.”  

I let her come and off we went.  At the hospital, the questions no longer were slaps in the face…single married or widowed.  I am what I am. A widow.

I even sent my daughter home with an “I’ll call when they are ready to release me.  Go home and rest until I am ready to go.”  And, “don’t let your brother’s know until I know what is going on.  If they tell me I have the bunga-bunga disease and have a short time to live you can call and get their butts here.”  We laughed and said good-bye.  She would have stayed if I wanted her to.

That was enough for me.  Just knowing that if I really needed someone, there would be someone there.  I know in my heart, if I had called any of the kids, they would of come.

I realize, sitting here today, how far I have come in my journey of learning to live life as a single person.  I am strong, independent and find pleasure in answering only to me at times.  Oh, that does not mean that things are perfect yet.  I still find those moments when I wish I had that hug, those cuddle moments…but you know when you can’t…you have to let go.  This latest experience told me I am okay.